Although Rinpoche was, at heart, a very traditional lama, Rinpoche also loved to tease his students, and to play and joke with them. It could happen at any time, even in the middle of a meeting about comic books on how Dorje Shugden has helped people.

When most people think of Tibetan lamas, the image that comes to mind is that of a serious, unsmiling type sat on a high throne positioned far, far away at the head of a large audience. And whilst there are some lamas like that and there is definitely a time, place and benefit for such a presentation, lamas do also manifest other actions, behaviours and countenances for different beneficial purposes.

Rinpoche paying respects and making offerings at the reliquary stupa of His Eminence Domo Geshe Rinpoche in Domo Ladrang, New York (USA).

When it came to serious matters, Rinpoche definitely knew how to be serious. In fact, Rinpoche was at heart an extremely traditional and very proper lama. If there was a puja or Dharma talk, or if something was being done in relations to Rinpoche’s gurus, the monastery or the monks, Rinpoche was insistent that everything be done according to tradition, with no and’s, if’s or but’s, and zero compromises. Rinpoche also took great care to educate his students about the proper and traditional way to serve a lama and the monastery, the proper way to deliver a Dharma teaching or to engage in a puja, and the benefits of doing so.

And there was definitely a result, which I eventually learned as I became more exposed to the monastic community over the years. I often heard the monks say things like, “Wow, your teacher really taught you guys how to serve the monks” or “How come you Malaysians know how to take care of lamas? You know how to do everything, your teacher taught you well” or “It’s clear Tsem Rinpoche teaches the Lamrim path, looking at how his students behave.”

Rinpoche listening to an audio message from His Holiness Kyabje Trijang Chocktrul Rinpoche. Rinpoche received the message in the traditional manner with head bowed and hands folded, as though Kyabje Trijang Chocktrul Rinpoche was physically present.

In spite of this firm upholding of tradition, our Rinpoche definitely had a playful side and Rinpoche loved to laugh, joke and tease. Especially once WhatsApp and Skype became more popular, Rinpoche would send us silly photos and videos, really hamming it up for the camera to make us laugh. Rinpoche would also play pranks and do jump scares, hiding behind doors and walls and at the end of hallways, to wait for someone to walk past before Rinpoche leapt from his hiding place with a loud yell.

Once multimedia messaging (MMS), WhatsApp and Skype took off in popularity, Rinpoche would often send playful photos like this. This one was uploaded to Facebook with the caption “Look ma, no hands!”.

Whilst all of this could sound like frivolous fun and games, there was actually a deeper meaning. Rinpoche once explained that how a person reacts is a reflection of how big their ego is. Someone who reacts very loudly is because their ego is very precious to them. They perceive the risk to their false sense of ‘I’ to be big, so they do something equally big to protect themselves from this perceived harm.

Conversely, a person who does not react at all could also have a big ego because they are embarrassed and do not want to show others that they have been caught unawares. It really depends on the ‘victim’ du jour, in the wider context of the rest of their personality and behaviours.

And there were definitely some people who erroneously thought that how Rinpoche behaved was ‘inappropriate’ for a monk or lama but here is what they never understood – what we consider ‘appropriate’ or ‘inappropriate’ is all an illusion and based on our projections. It is informed by our own culture, our own upbringing, the lessons we have been taught by the people around us.

Rinpoche posing for Esquire magazine

When it comes to a compassionate lama who wishes to transmit the Dharma to others, the lama will manifest whatever and however he needs to, in order to connect with students who might not have the karmic affinity with a lama who is manifesting in a traditional, serious manner. It is because of the students’ perception and what they need that the lama manifests in a certain way so that the Dharma can enter their minds more easily.

For this reason, because Rinpoche was very easy with his love and affection, I sometimes think many of the people who came to Rinpoche were somehow lacking warmth and love in their lives. That is why they were drawn to Rinpoche, who gave it so easily and freely. But I also think that Rinpoche was genuinely that way because what Buddha isn’t loving and affectionate? What Buddha isn’t spontaneous?

Rinpoche’s grandmother, Queen Dechen Minh, was a very regal and elegant lady, but also had a very warm, loving and playful side to her personality. Click on image to enlarge.

Something also has to be said about Rinpoche’s childhood in New Jersey. Rinpoche attributed many of the ways he showed care as being the product of his upbringing by his famously hospitable adoptive mother, Dana Bugayeff. Rinpoche recalled the large gatherings, parties and celebrations that Dana hosted for the local Kalmyk community, assisted by Rinpoche who did all the preparations and serving. Rinpoche also often spoke about his grandmother, Queen Dechen Minh who, despite being a very regal and elegant lady, was a warm and very loving grandmother to him.

And because Rinpoche also always had to be on guard against the tempers and abuse of his parents, Rinpoche knew what it was like having to walk on eggshells all the time. For this reason, Rinpoche was a master at making people instantly feel at ease. Anyone who met Rinpoche would be laughing, comfortable and relaxed within 5 minutes and by the time they left, they could not wait to see Rinpoche again.

Rinpoche was an expert at making people feel at ease, and could easily have them laughing and comfortable within five minutes of meeting Rinpoche.

So when Rinpoche was still physically with us, people used to ask how they could get close to Rinpoche, because they wanted to experience this feeling again and again. The answer was always the same – the easiest way to ‘win’ Rinpoche over and to get close to Rinpoche was to be honest, loyal, straightforward and have integrity. Rinpoche was not interested in money, fame or reputation; Rinpoche was only ever interested in a person who knew how to be kind to others.

At the end of the day, no matter how playful Rinpoche showed himself to be, those were the only qualities that ever mattered.

To my Lama, who is one with Heruka, we look forward to welcoming you home soon.

Rinpoche before presenting a gift to a student

Even Rinpoche’s dogs felt Rinpoche’s love through teasing and jokes

Rinpoche hamming it up for the camera on Lantau Island, Hong Kong

When Rinpoche was living in the USA, students would often send offerings to Tsem Ladrang. Rinpoche would sometimes take photos with the offerings to show they had safely arrived. Rinpoche knew how much these photos would mean to the recipients of them.

Tsem Rinpoche with flowers about to be offered up to Vajra Yogini and Dorje Shugden

Rinpoche’s life was about taking pain away from people, on the level that worked best for them. This meant that oftentimes, Rinpoche went above and beyond to help others, whether it was physically, emotionally or spiritually. This time, I’m covering the spiritual aspect.

Somewhere on Mt Shasta with Rinpoche. Rinpoche had asked for an update about something I was working on, and asked me where I thought it was going or what kind of result it might lead to.

Over the years, due to Rinpoche’s close connection with Dorje Shugden, I was fortunate enough to be present on the many occasions Dorje Shugden gave advice and instructions to Rinpoche and the students. Usually, the role of scribe would fall to me, to record in writing whatever Dorje Shugden said so that it could be revisited and carried out later.

It was not a role to be taken lightly, not just because I did not want to get scolded for making a mistake! (OK fine, maybe there was a little bit of that!) It was because the advice always concerned Kechara and the students’ spirituality. Thus everything had to be verbatim, recorded exactly as Dorje Shugden said it, and Rinpoche would check and recheck the advice with me to make sure everything was clear, everything made sense and nothing was omitted.

On one particular occasion, I was the only person present with Rinpoche when Dorje Shugden gave advice. Dorje Shugden compassionately remained for about 30 minutes and after that, as usual, I recapped for Rinpoche what had been said to me. Part of it was:

“Take problems and criticism from others and give back kindness. That’s what a real spiritual practitioner does – takes problems and criticism from others and gives back kindness over and over again. I wouldn’t be able to tell you this if you weren’t extremely smart. You have penetrative analysis bordering wisdom. You can think philosophically but also practically. Over time this will develop. If I told this to anyone else, they would run away. Develop bodhicitta and renunciation. Realisation of emptiness is a requirement but in this case we can make an exception. Develop extraordinary guru devotion. You have this in you. Do all the things everyone else doesn’t want to do.”

Rinpoche asked me to stop and thought about it for a moment. Then Rinpoche asked, “Develop bodhicitta and renunciation? Are you sure Dorje Shugden said that? Repeat to me again what he said.”

So I did, two more times in fact, before Rinpoche was satisfied with what he heard. Rinpoche then said, “Hmmm. What do you think that means?”

Embarrassed, I very hesitatingly replied, “I guess it means I don’t have it. Or I’m lacking in those qualities so I need to work on that the most.”

Rinpoche immediately stopped me and looked almost annoyed. Rinpoche said, “Why do you think like that? It doesn’t mean that at all. It means Dorje Shugden believes you can do it. If not he wouldn’t tell you. What’s the point of telling you to do something you’re not capable of doing? He doesn’t tell anyone else to do that. It means Dorje Shugden believes you can do it. Do you understand?” Then Rinpoche had me continue reading out the rest of the advice.

It was not just during these occasions when Rinpoche would ask us for our thoughts and opinions. It would happen all the time, from something as significant as an issue related to Kechara, to something as mundane as where we should go for cham cham (Rinpoche’s word for an outing). It was to train us to think for ourselves, to care enough to thoroughly explore an issue and to take responsibility for our decisions; if we discussed extensively and decided on something, and then things went wrong, it would be up to us to rectify the situation.

Although oftentimes Rinpoche had already made a decision, Rinpoche always wanted to hear what everyone else thought. It was a way of gauging a student’s mind, as well as training us to take responsibility for our opinions and decisions, and to care enough to think about things thoroughly.

So after a few more incidents like this, where Rinpoche would ask for my thoughts on something, one day Rinpoche said to a group of people, “See, she always looks at things negatively. Her reaction is always to expect the worst. It must be because she grew up in an environment that made her very sensitive to negativity and anything she did wrong, she got criticised or punished or scolded. I know because my childhood was like that too. So to deal with PJA, you need to…”

That was the first time I had ever heard a direct connection drawn between the experiences of my childhood and the way I behave as an adult, and it was Rinpoche who provided that realisation for me.

And that was typical Rinpoche, always using his own experiences to heal people, and to change their view and wrong perception. For example, because Rinpoche had experienced an abusive childhood, Rinpoche knew the importance of showing love to children and setting a good example for them. Because Rinpoche had experienced homelessness as a teenager, Rinpoche knew what life on the streets is like with no sense of security or dignity, so Rinpoche established Kechara Soup Kitchen.

It was especially important to Rinpoche that we set a good example for children.

So as I was researching and preparing for this post, thinking about all the different ways Rinpoche has healed us spiritually, I went through a lot of the advice we had all previously received from Rinpoche and Dorje Shugden. And one thing struck me very deeply, that this was yet another way Rinpoche had been preparing us for a time when his physical form would be temporarily absent.

You see, at the time we received the advice, we naively assumed it was pertinent to that moment or time period only. But on reflection, the advice is now more relevant than ever. Oftentimes, it addresses whatever emotions and experiences we would have once Rinpoche was no longer physically with us.

When the lama’s physical form is no longer here, what else can you hold on to other than memories? The most useful, beneficial thing for us to do, to repay our teacher’s kindness, is to hold on to the advice and teachings he has given us.

Certainly, for myself, when I look at the advice Rinpoche and Dorje Shugden gave me, I find a lot of comfort in the words. It is a kind of comfort that no one else can give me and I came to realise that Rinpoche, from many years ago, was already giving us guidance on how to heal and care for ourselves spiritually in the temporary absence of his physical form.

All of this leaves me in awe of the limitless, expansive, enlightened mind that Rinpoche possessed, the type of mind that could perform a deed which simultaneously covered the past, present and future. In giving us advice, Rinpoche helped us understand where our issues arose from that such advice would be needed (past); in giving us advice, Rinpoche gave us a way to tackle those issues (present); in giving us advice, Rinpoche prepared us to be alright and taken care of in his physical absence (future).

To my Lama, who is one with Heruka, we look forward to welcoming you home soon.